Roxanne L. Scott

Audio Producer | Reporter | Traveler


The Fun Platform, Or Why Every American Needs a Free Hula Hoop

If you were the new leader of your country and had the chance to transform something that’s currently an annoyance (or worse) into a very fun activity, what would it be? How would you go about the change, and why would you choose that particular thing?

My fellow Americans, it seems like we lost our way.  We're now a nation where we barely take vacation, our waistlines are getting wider and we're losing the fight of getting enough sleep. Well I'm not going to stand for this anymore. If I'm elected to lead this blessed country, I'll make sure every man, woman and child is armed with a hula hoop. 

The hula hoop is the answer we need. We Americans are working harder then ever. We're sitting at our desks and staring at our computers for longer periods and this can't be healthy. We can't let this happen; a healthy America is a great America. Every employer will be mandated to supply a hula hoop for each and every worker. Workers will be required to take at least two hula hoop breaks per day. Get up from your computer, get out your hula hoop and just hoop right in the middle of your office. You'll put a smile on your co-workers face and exercise your fat ass in the meantime.

But we can't leave this joy only to adults. We must instill the values of hooping to our children. When Americans receive their tax return, they'll receive something extra; a hula hoop stipend. The stipend will depend on the number of kids in the household. Our children's hula hooping skills lag behind China's. And not only that, their hooping scores are last among industrialized nations. Well, we can't take this anymore. With the hula hoop stipend, children will get off their iPads, go outside and find the joy of hooping like their brethren generations ago.

And finally, America, to be truly a progressive nation, we can't limit hooping to humans. Let's not forget about our animals. I saw a video the other day and it made me cry . 

What is this dog even doing? This isn't the America I grew up on. I won't be happy until all of our animals can do this:

This is the America I want to see. And so my fellow Americans, I'm running on the free hula hoop platform. Let's make American great again. Let's hula hoop our way to freedom.